Thursday, 16 June 2011

Italix....the Scruffy Duck

Andy.....Andy...wake up

He wasn't sure if it was the surf rolling across his feet that woke him up...or the urgent vocal of the new arrival.He awoke anyway. He saw a girl in a red and black stripey jumper. She had a quiff...with a red band holding it back. She was bent over him...shouting...some rips in her black tights.

Who the fuck are you, then? Are you my Guardian Angel or something?

I am your Guardian Astronaut

From where? Where do you come from? Who are you? What the Hell is a Guardian Astronaut?

I come from your future...and I can't let you die the beach...cos I need to be your the future. I call myself Italix...the Scruffy Duck


Because I talk in Italix...and if I told you my real name it would ruin everything...and you would know too much. You won't remember me as Italix when you meet me in years to come

Please...explain what this is about. You seem nice..but what is this astronaut shit?

I am an astronaut because...very simply...angels do not exist...but astronauts do. I have travelled in time to meet stop your death. I can't let you go just yet

What about all the biblical pictures of and women with huge white wings...people saw them in biblical times...or they would not have painted them in those beautiful pictures...strong feathered white wings sprouting from angels in the sky?

Andy was very confused now. He didn't believe in time-travel..and he didn't believe in angels..not really. She was probably some local girl...just messing around on the beach...having a laugh. He wonderd if he HAD was a bizarre situation

Angels have never existed. Take it from me. Those beautiful angels...depicted in biblical images...were astronauts. It' all about perception


Well...see it this way. Let's go back to the biblical days. There were no photographers paparazzi...everything was hearsay and first-hand explanation

I am still confused

OK...let's say a man or a woman saw someone up there in the sky. They had no concept of space-travel....or of mechanical travel...jet-packs...not even parachutes...not in those times. They saw a spaceman...someone travelling from another time...and their account of the sighting was limited. It was someone flying. That's all it could their un-educated perception

Still don't get it

Let's say a farmer called Jacob...yes...let's give him a name...sees an astronaut. He has no concept of space-travel...of he sees it as a bit of a miracle...a fact. So...he tells his friend...let's call him Jeramiah

Why Jeremiah?

I don't fucking know. Just a name

Yeah...well ...carry on

He tells Jeremiah..over a drink or two...that he saw this human flying across the gospel sky. Jeremiah is an artist..a painter...

Hold minute he's a made-up is he's got a fucking profession

Andy...shut up...let me continue or I will leave you to obstinate cunt

Jesus....I don't even know you...this might be my imagination...I'm being beaten down by a figment of my imagination

Trust me....I am part of your future...if I let you die now...I might not exist fucking help me here.

So...Jacob tells Jeremiah that he saw an angel?

No...he tells Jeremiah that he saw a person in the sky. a painter...wants to create a picture of he paints a picture of a human flying through the sky. It's a time when they know nothing of the obvious supposition is that if a person can fly...that person MUST have wings. So he paints a or woman...with wings.

Who's idea is this? I've never heard such a strategy. I have never heard an opinion like this

It is all my own thoughts

I am not sure you are right...but you are a very clever girl

I am super-intelligent...ha ha. Seriously...if I had the intellectual power to stop you dying it would be the most remarkable aspect of my very short life. You can't die yet...not until I've met you

Jesus girl....what if this is a dream? What if I never see you again?

If you have the guts...the determination...the live now...then we will meet...I promise you that. If not...then fuck you

So....Jeremiah paints a guy or girl...with wings. Where does the halo come into it? Angels had wings and halos.

That's is if you are super-intellectual like me

Go on

An astronaut has a has a built-in light. It glows. Jeremiah....or any number of biblical piss-head painters of bygone biblical times...have no concept of illumination by artificial halo is invented

I think you have an imagination that knows no limit me then...I need you to stay alive...for me...for your future and for mine

And if I die?

Then I will not exist...ever

A swirl of foam washed over his confused mind. He saw some jellyfish slowly drifting towards his face. He wanted to sleep...he had a death-wish...but he also saw a glimmer of hope. What if this really was a friend from his future? What if this was just a girl who lived down the road? What if she was playing some stupid game? If it was his imagination...then...why did he make this figment so incredibly intelligent?

I promise you...Andy...that if you live...I will be the best friend you ever had...but if you have let me down...and you have let your family down. Don't let me down...don't let your family down

She was right...he was selfish. As he closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable passing...he tortured himself with the notion that she might JUST be right. She might just truly want to see him in later times

Who are you, angel? he asked And where do you come from?

I was born in 1995

But this is 1991

Yes...I know...I am super-intelligent

I am confused

I am yours...just cunt

Wednesday, 15 June 2011


Please don't fuck about..this is 1974

Well yeah...I can handle that

So...don't fuck about then

Yeah...but I am still trying to be nice.
so I am not allowed to be nice to people?

Let's just remember that the girls who go on the blue buses...up to Park Wood...are easy. The Tovil girls are slags. The girls in Bearsted are posh. It's not that difficult.

What if I wanted to meet a nice girl?
Ther are no nice girls. They are just girls
But i have dreams.....two to have my own business and one to find a girl I love.
Girls are not for love.
What do you mean?
Well...they have their own life.

They can't have love then?

I trust you,man, but I have 2 sisters so I will always stick up for them against guys who want to use them and hurt them...but they have their own lives.

Let me tell you. We all went to Mote the days when people lied and stole and broke into the lockers

And your point?

Well...all these years has probably changed.

Did you love your life then?
Well...sort of.
Then please don't make people in this life feel bad about things.


Well..yeah...she should not have this shit

Fair enough...but if you go back to my time all those years ago....

Well....I loved her

She wasn't a-fucking live

Yeah...I know
Forget it then
So it means I'm not allowed to love her then?

Pretty much

But I can't let her go.

Andy...go back to 1974...1975...1976...

Yeah..ok...but that doesn't stop me loving her

If you really love her you will let her go

Oh great...then I will be lonely?

It is better that you are lonely.

But i love her

She is quite amazing...and her intentions are grand...but you are fucking years older...find someone else

But I don't want anyone else

She is more important...her intentions, I mean

But she loves me...she has told me
She is not some slag from the bus

I know that...I just love her

You have to let her do what she has to do

Yes...but it doesn't stop me caring about fact...I get annoyed when cunts hit on her

Calm down...she knows you care

But I have never loved anyone ever like i love her

It's ok...she knows...but you need to let her have fun. She's ok. You think too bad sometimes

About her??? have to stop to think that she knows her mind and she is not stupid.

yeah...well I just love her
She knows that

You think?

OK....never ever tell me to accept defeat as far as that girl goes.
Don't worry...just love her...that's all she wants


Be cool


She does love you

You think? her and love her....she will give you more loyalty than you will ever know

She won't let me down then?

Of course not.....but she owes you nothing. Be happy that she loves you.

Do you think she does love me?

Yes.....she loves you as much as you love her

Then...I am happy xxx

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

I Don't Need Presents...I Just Need You

Beautiful Dark Blue Eyes

They stood face to face in the dining-room....decorated with indie-rock the afternoon sunlight filtered through the nets at the rear window. It wasn't so much a slow dance...more a wavering embrace and a meeting of precious the song skipped along.

'Oh when I look into those beautiful big blue eyes
You could have told me that you'd be the one who lies
I'd still be loving you and I'd be the one who cries
When I look into those beautiful big blue eyes'

'I like the song' she said ' but I don't need presents...I just need you'
Not much else was said for a wasn't needed....they were speechless.

'Big blue a swimming-pool'

'I'm going swimming tomorrow' she laughed 'but it's irrelevant'

A spider observed them from it's highly complex the top of the kitchen door...just near the 'Different Class' poster.

'I do love you so much' he he gently grasped her be-cardiganed arm and slung it around his waist.

It wasn't a great song for a slow dance....but it didn't matter. The routine transcended the music. It could have been any song on that Toshiba Sum95 hi-fi. (available from all good dealers for a snip at £425)
It could have been Metallica...or it could have been Crystal Castles.
Heavy Metal v Cut-Glass.
Master of Puppets v Fetus Fatale.
It could have been Bowie, Brett or Beethoven. It didn't matter.

He drew back and looked into her eyes. He knew that she was beautiful and that he should consider himself to be the luckiest man in the world....just for having her in his arms...but it didn't matter. It wasn't luck. It was all that he deserved. He'd been nice to animals for all of his life. He opened doors for strangers and he laughed at people's jokes...even when they weren't funny. He was a good man....misunderstood at times...but a good man nonetheless. This was his pay-off...his reward in life. A lifetime in waiting...and he was entwined in formidable embrace with the most beautiful girl in the world.

She smiled sweetly.

The spider ran across Jarvis Cocker's nose.

The sunlight bathed them both in a bloodthirsty rapture.

He could have fallen to the ground..swooned like a felled he looked into the iridescent pool of dark blue ink in her eyes. In truth...her beauty was understated. She wasn't supposed to be perfect...that would never do. To him...perfection was far too shallow...and he felt lucky knowing that she didn't seem to be a slave to perfection herself. He had many faults...physically...and he often wondered why she even took the time to notice talk to keep him in her story. he the most private section of her world. In her space. In her arms.

He pushed back her hair with the blade-edge of his right a cataclysmic move to expose the delicate angel's sweetly pitted forehead.

'What are you thinking now? she asked

'Ah...that I've never felt such a feeling for someone...ever...even over my long life'

'But I am small'

'Napoleon was small...he defined the political and military power during the latter stages of the French Revolution'

'I can't do that' she harrumphed...with metamorphic bottom lip.

'You have started a revolution in my heart'

As they loose dance terms...her face fell against his chest...and his hand moved slowly up and down her leg. It wasn't a conscious wasn't deliberate.

'I wonder why you like me?' she said

'I love you'

'I'm just a girl'

He shook his head

'You are more than just a are more than just a collection of vital organs...brain, heart, lungs, kidneys, liver and pancreas. Everyone has them...if they're lucky. I can't explain how on Earth one person can fall in love with just one person...when there are all these billions of people in the world. There's no explanation'

'How many people are there in the world? she quipped

'Clearly an exact answer would be insane, but I'm under the impression that the count stands at around seven billion....but can we stick to the matter in hand cheeky scamp?'

The spider edged away from a fly landed on it's beautifully complicated web.

The man gazed into the beautifully elaborate structure of the girl's eyes...and marvelled at nature's true genius. More technical and intricate than a Canon SVL15 speed. (£399 at all good retailers) The camera was no match for nature's own convolution. The girl's eyes cost nothing...and yet...they were priceless. No millionaire could buy the allure of the girl he desired to make his own. The grace of the girl with ink-blue eyes was simply not within monetary deliverance.

Their heads moved closer as his hand traversed her this stage...she could no longer hear the music. The sound was irrelevant. It didn't matter. No sense of music...or of time. The most beautiful moment of their time together...the first kiss...was rapidly the spider chewed on the apprehended gristle of a common housefly.


Their lips were close. They felt the static swell of love as they moved closer. The moment..the very first twinkling of a 'first kiss' was upon them. Her eyes closed. His eyes opened. His eyes closed. Her eyes opened. Their eyes closed...together.

The Moment.....

In another land...a scientist would be dissecting an alien in a secret laboratory...but it didn't matter.

In another part of the world...a child would be vomiting into an earthenware pot...but it didn't matter.

In a foreign province...a team of vain overpaid footballers would be spitting at eachother under artificial light...but it didn't matter.

'Why did you pull away?' she asked

'Because I want to be sure that you really want this kiss'

'I do'

'Thank you'

They moved closer...again. His eyes were closed. Her eyes were closed.
He knew it was the right time. Their lips were about to connect...2 millimetres apart.

The spider spat out the remains of the fly. The soft, sticky remnants of it's prey spattered onto the face of Kurt Cobain. The spider had smelled the teen-spirit of the fly...and it wanted more.

Particles of dust rained down upon the clothes-horse...illuminated by the sunlight.

'Why did you pull away?' he asked

'Because' she replied 'I want to be sure it's me you want...not just a conquest'

'Never...I love you more than ever'

She wondered if the kiss would ever happen.
He wondered if the kiss would ever happen.

She fluffed out her chest and drew herself up to her full Napoleonic height.

'Just fucking kiss me'

They kissed.

The world didn't end.

The music stopped.

The spider looked down...but it just didn't know.

Jarvis Cocker sang erratically in Belgium...but he just didn't know.

The man who thought that a certain girl...with ink-blue eyes...was the most beautiful girl in the world...shed a tear.

The whole world was against them...but it just didn't matter.